Am I really happy? This is a question we have all asked ourselves in the middle of a relationship before. Relationships often seem to be a cycle of good times and bad times, laughing and crying, and joy and sorrow, but how do we tell if a relationship is near its end or if it’s beyond saving? No one ever told you love would be easy, but perhaps one of the very hardest things of all, is to determine when it is time to move on completely and leave a relationship behind.
- You don’t inspire the good in one another.
When we first start dating someone they often inspire us to be the very best version of ourselves. Just like we try to impress our boss at a new job, in new relationships, we often try show the very best sides of ourselves. It is natural to relax a little bit over time and become more comfortable with ourselves, but if you find yourself suddenly in a relationship that doesn’t inspire you to grow, try new things, and become a better person, then it’s not really doing its job. Relationships are an excellent opportunity to learn about yourself, strengthen yourself as a person, and experience new joys in life, if these things aren’t happening, it could be a sign that it’s time to get out.
- The person makes you incredibly bitter and angry.
Now just because another person is making you angry and upset, doesn’t mean they are wrong necessarily (read my article about resentment and expectations here). The problem could simply be that YOU are not mature enough to let go of control and allow them to be their own person, but whatever the reason may be, if just looking at this person is enough to make your blood boil it’s time to go. You should never allow yourself to enter a place in a relationship where you truly can’t stand the person you are with.
- You don’t feel the love anymore.
When we come to a point in a relationship where we no longer experience love for another person, it is a strong sign of impending disaster. It isn’t easy to fall in love, and of course things like anger and resentment can block out feelings of love temporarily, but when you truly no longer love someone it’s a big indicator that it’s time to go. If two people love each other enough, they can conquer pretty much anything, any problem or issue can be overcome with enough love, but when the love leaves totally, it can be tough to tackle even the smallest problems that arise in a relationship.
- You aren’t even living together and they already get on your nerves.
If you aren’t living with a person and they are constantly annoying you and making you upset, trust me, things aren’t going to get better when you move in together. If you can’t picture yourself living with them, just move on, it will save both you time and energy.
- They aren’t as committed to you as you are.
If you have been with someone for 2 weeks, it isn’t natural to assume that they should jump into an exclusive relationship with you, but if you know in your heart that this person just isn’t giving back the kind of love and energy you are giving them, it is ok to walk away. Love isn’t about doing things and expecting things in return, but there should be mutual love, respect, and commitment from both sides in a relationship. Making sure that your commitments and ideas about what your relationship means is congruent is important to make a successful relationship.
- You don’t respect each other.
Respect is complicated, especially in relationships, but it all boils down to treating the other person as they would like to be treated. For example: let’s say you are messy but your partner is a clean freak, mutual respect would mean you would do your best to pick up, and they would do their best to be patient with you and accept that to some extent messy is just what you are. Love is not about “training” someone to be your idea of what they should be, it is about loving them as they are, respecting who they are, what they believe in, and what’s important to them, and it’s about compromise. If you hit issues and neither one of you is willing to budge an inch, you are missing mutual respect on both ends.
- They bring out the worst in you.
If you find yourself examining who you have become, and you are disgusted with what you see in the mirror, its a very bad sign. Bad relationships have a way of breaking down our self esteem, making us feel unlovable, and causing us to become bitter and angry. If you don’t like who you have become in your relationship, change it or get out.
- Verbal or mental abuse is present.
Anytime a relationship enters a stage where one of you or both of you feel the need to mentally or physically harm the other, it’s time to go. If vicious verbal attacks, name calling, insults, or verbal abuse is present, or if someone ever lays a hand on the other, then RUN don’t walk out the door.
- Cheating or major lies.
IF someone cheats or lies about a major event, it just means that they don’t respect you or your relationship. There are certain boundaries and agreements that must exist in all relationships and honesty and fidelity are typically two that stand firm in most people’s minds. There are certain lines that just don’t get crossed, and while mistakes can happen, we must draw the line somewhere. If you are in an exclusive relationship and someone cheats, it means they don’t value your relationship, it means their commitment to you is no longer active. Get out.
- You spend a lot of time wondering if this person is right for you.
If you are spending hours each day wondering if the person you are with is right for you, it’s probably a sign that they aren’t. Your heart already knows what your mind is too afraid to admit, it doesn’t mean that considering if you want to be with this person after a fight or argument isn’t normal, but if you are spending the majority of your time together -and apart- examining if this person is right for you, most likely its because you KNOW that they aren’t.
So there you go, 10 quick things to consider and examine to determine if this person is right for you and if it is time to move on.