A common thing that happens in long term relationships is a general boredom or stagnancy takes hold of one or both partners. Relationships that burn hot in the beginning can often grow cold over time and leave both people wondering what happened. Several things can occur that cause this bout of disinterest and discontent to take place including: actual boredom, resentment, failure to appreciate what you have, scars that haven’t healed, and failure to always be your best. Using these 5 tips can help stoke that flame and have you both laughing like school kids again.
- Make things new again and mix things up.
As we get settled into long term relationships, it is easy to get locked into a routine of doing the same old thing each week. As we grow busier and more secure in our relationships, we usually start going to work, coming home, watching a few hours of T.V, then going to bed: it is no wonder why many people get bored in their current relationships.
Start going on dates again at least one night a week, do something new one or both of you have never done before at least once a month, watch new movies, surprise each other with gifts or notes. Anything you can do to break up the day to day grind and add variety and fun experiences into your lives together will go a long way to rekindling your love for each other (read more here).
- Start letting go of your anger.
As relationships go on, we often create a running list of everything that is wrong with our partner and everything that they have ever done wrong to us; if we allow this list to grow too much it will build into a deep harbored resentment for our partner. As we grow to resent our partners, we will naturally wall off our heart from them and shut out the feelings of romance we once had for the other person.
Practice not getting upset with your partner, tell the daily how they are your best friend and treat them like a best friend each day (more here). Try hard not to sweat the small stuff, be selective with your arguments and objections, and most of all, cherish them and refuse in your mind to get upset over things that don’t really matter.
- Start appreciating them again.
By practicing appreciation, we can drastically shift our perception of our relationships. As we grow accustomed to our relationships, we will often take for granted all of the special things that another person brings to our lives. Does this person always cook you breakfast, always do you a favor when you ask, surprise you with gifts, and praise you when you do something right? Whatever it is you love about this person, take time each day to remember why they mean so much to you, take a few minutes each morning to look at your life and all of the ways they have added to your happiness and life experience. Imagine receiving a call that your lover has been killed in a car accident, how would you feel? What would you miss about them?
- Start healing old scars and recommit to each other.
If bad things have happened in your past together it may be hard to move forward with pain and resentment buried deep within you. When people hurt us, we often build a wall around our hearts and block them out from intimacy with us. Let your partner know how they have hurt you in the past, don’t seek to make them feel guilty, and don’t seek to condemn them, just let them know how you feel. Talk things through in a loving and calm way, forgive them and apologize for any mistakes or problems that have occurred along the way. Recommit to loving each other, let go of the past, and make the decision -together- to start loving each other again.
- Start being your best again.
When we first meet someone we are often on our best behavior; we are careful not to offend, desperate to impress, and we seek to improve ourselves for the other person. As we get locked into our routine it’s easy to find ourselves doing the same things over each day- not really caring what the other person wants or needs. Instead of growing accustomed to your relationship, commit to becoming better each day, try hard to give your partner what they want and need (practice the platinum rule <treat others as THEY WOULD LIKE to be treated>).
Start adding these daily practices back into your relationship and even if your partner isn’t ready to start loving you again, be patient and continue doing these things. Even if pain has locked you out of their heart, committing to these daily practices will eventually show them that your love for them is still alive and thriving. Even if they have completely fallen out of love with you, if you they fell for you once, they can fall for you again. If you love something, sometimes you have to be willing to fight for it.