Insecurity usually comes from one place: somewhere inside of you. Different things can cause us to feel insecure: things from the past, a lack of confidence in ourselves, a lack of trust, and other issues can contribute as well.
Insecurity is a big drain on relationships, not just on the person who has the feelings of insecurity, but also on the other person as well. While many things can cause insecurity, it will usually feel like a lack of trust to your partner, and people who don’t feel trusted often feel less motivated to invest emotionally into relationships.
There are some ways that you can overcome insecurity, and there are many exercises and books that can aid you in this, but it all starts with confidence, because most insecurity stems from some sort of inferiority complex that you have.
Learn to love yourself first
Most insecurity comes from a lack of self love or self esteem. People who are insecure tend to see themselves as unworthy of love and affection, and because of this feeling, they often project the same feelings onto others around them. Quite simply, if you don’t love yourself and if you can’t see any reasons to love yourself, then you will have a hard time imagining why someone else would love or hold affection for you as well.
Learning to love yourself often involves painful introspection and self examination; you must be able to identify where your feelings of inadequacy stem from. Sometimes a lack of self esteem comes from physical or mental abuse from others, a lack of a relationship with your parents, an awful old relationship, or some sort of other similar experience will often cause us to feel unworthy of being loved.
You must learn to see what strengths you have, what things you have to offer, and what qualities make you worthy and deserving of receiving love. Only after you are able to love yourself will you ever be able to feel secure in a relationship.
Let go of the past
Letting go of the past is part of the process of learning to love yourself, but sometimes our insecurity can stem not from lack of love for ourselves, but from a lack of trust that we feel for people in past relationships or just other people in general. We have to remember that not all people are the same, and just because one person may have misled us or broken our trust, it doesn’t mean that all people will do the same.
While a certain amount of guarding in a new relationship is normal, we shouldn’t let the past ruin our chances of being with someone wonderful in the future. Trusting others and making yourself vulnerable does take courage, but it is only in this way that we are able to create the types of relationships that we desire, and the only way that we can open ourselves to receive the type of love that we desire to receive.
You must understand that the actions of others in past relationships, or throughout your life, do not serve as an indication of how your future will be. Let go of the past and learn to be ok with feeling vulnerable.
Insecurity ultimately comes from a fear that if we lose what we have that life is over. We mistakenly believe that our entire existence hinges upon this relationship, and so we often become desperate, clingy, and down right annoying with our own insecurity as we question our partners thoughts and intentions constantly.
We must learn to have faith that whatever will be will be. Insecurity is just a way for our mind to attempt to exert control over something we have no control over at all, and the behaviors often associated with insecurity not only increase the chances that things won’t work out, but they really don’t control anything at all.
Insecurity often manifests as neediness, attention seeking, and desperation: all in an attempt to pull others in towards us for love, but our actions usually drive others away from us in reality.
Learn to have faith in destiny, karma, god, chance, or whatever it is that you believe in, after all you can’t control how someone feels anyway so why try? Know that no matter what, things will work out. If you truly love someone then that means you need to be prepared to let them go, even if it hurts. Just trust that if things are meant to be they will be and do your best to make everyday the greatest adventure of love that you can.
Keep busy and find another outlet for your energy
If you find yourself feeling insecure, rather than grasping for affection and reassurance from your partner, try to find another way to vent your energy that is more productive. Find a hobby, read a book (one about self confidence like this one would be great!), do some exercise, or even get together with some friends.
The mind can usually only stay focused on one thing at a time, so if you are feeling insecure, try focusing your attention on something more productive, distraction is an excellent tool at times.
If you find yourself caught in an anxiety/ insecurity cycle anyway…
Try things like positive mantras, reading something positive, repeating quotes, or just reading a blog post about confidence like this one. When you start feeling anxious and insecure, your first reaction will be to run to your partner and seek reassurance and love, but in the middle of an anxiety attack is NOT the time to do it. Learn to deal with these emotions in a positive way on your own first if you can. You can try:
- Repeating positive affirmations
- reading articles, like this one, to help calm you down
- sitting down and thinking of all the ways your partner shows you that they love you
- reminding yourself of other times that things worked out ok
- reminding yourself that everything will work out
- reminding yourself that you can overcome insecurity
- thinking of all the reasons you are loveable and worthy of love
Try these things out the next time you find yourself feeling insecure or stuck in the anxiety trap. It can happen to all of us, and it can be helpful to let our partner know what we are struggling with, after all, if you are in relationship, you should be doing things together. Ask your partner to help you by listening, but by not offering reassurances to you, just simply ask them to respond with sympathy rather than reassurance. Let them know the struggle that you are facing, and let them know that you want to overcome your insecurity.
Not only will overcoming insecurity make you a stronger person, but it will make your partner love you even more in the process, you will develop more confidence, more trust in them and your relationship, and a quiet faith that everything will work out ok in the end.
Have any other tips for overcoming insecurity? What things have helped you in the past? If you have any suggestions for the other readers of the site, please leave a comment below and allow others to learn from you!