There is an underground, and borderline secret, movement of men all across the world who are rejecting the views of feminism and forging a new way of interacting with women. “Pick up artists” or “PUA” specialists are teaching men everywhere how to build self confidence, interact more successfully with women, take a girl home from the bar or from a public place in day time, and even how to keep a girl’s attention over time.
Many of the lessons PUA teachers show others are based off of countless trials and errors used in real dating and pick up situations to get real girls of their own.
I was following the PUA community myself for a while, and for a time, I was a “student of the game”. While many of the teachings in the PUA community are great, there are a several predominant beliefs in the community that are really hurting many young men and preventing them from forming meaningful relationships with women. If you are new to PUA, have never heard of it before, or have been in it for a while, sit back and hear my own first hand experience in “the game”.
Many people are at a loss, or misinformed what PUA is about, so I would like to shed a little bit of light on what PUA is and isn’t.
General beliefs of the community as a whole.
There are several core beliefs at the center of most of the pickup community, several of which are:
- Women seek emotional stimulation and value
- Women seek to discredit new men they meet
- Women will “shit test” men constantly (this is basically the idea that women will insult men or “test” their manliness by insulting them, trying to boss them around, or by trying to control them in some way)
- Women seek to capture men but then quickly lose interest in them when they know they have them in their control
- Women are competitive and directly seek men that other women want
- Men are supposed to be non-reactive and non emotional (basically men should not respond to “shit tests” or show emotional attachment to women)
- Men should constantly live in abundance (never getting attached to one woman, but instead keep “spinning plates” [which means keeps many girls in constant rotation])
- Men should be confident, and unapologetic, and free, and exciting.
- AWALT, a term that means all women are like that, is a way of describing any type of undesirable female behavior for example: cheating, gossiping, not truly loving men, being shallow, etc…
Of course there are many more ideas and concepts, and they do vary from teacher to teacher, but these are a few of the key concepts that are repeated from teacher to teacher.
My own personal beliefs on “gender roles”, men and women, and love.
Now while I do agree with many of these “rules” being generally true, I do not believe that they are always the case, and just as all men are different, have different beliefs, and act and behave differently, women will also vary greatly in their beliefs, actions, and behaviors.
Some women will seek men for the size of their bank account, some will seek a man that would be a great father, some women will seek men who are very physically appealing. Simply put: different women will be attracted to different things.
There is no secret blueprint to dating and attraction, but certainly developing confidence, love for yourself, and the ability to express yourself and influence others, will attract women into your life.
I believe a relationship should become a mutual affair, where both people back each other up, where they lean upon each other in good and bad times, and where the natural strengths and weaknesses of men and women come together to form a pair that is stronger than either individual alone.
I don’t believe so much in gender roles, or that men or women should behave based upon an “accepted standard” of masculinity or femininity, but I do believe that men have general strengths and weaknesses, and that women have general strengths and weaknesses- of course we should all seek to improve ourselves and become more well rounded people- but I cannot deny that I am man, and I don’t want another man in my life, I want a strong woman next to me. I am glad that I have personally found an incredibly amazing and strong woman to stand by my side each day in my own life.
I think men and women should stop focusing so much on what men and women are doing, and instead look inwardly at what they should be doing better as individuals. Gandhi said we should be the change we wish to see in the world, and I think the best way to change your world is to create inner change.
The benefits of PUA
PUA teachers often teach men confidence and how to accept and love themselves, they teach men not to take rejection personally, to be more assertive, to not be afraid to show who they really are, and ultimately, many of the lessons taught in PUA can make men more effective and happy in almost all aspects of their lives.
I have to admit, while I don’t fully agree with everything PUA instructors say, and while I do agree that there are stereotypes and negative parts of PUA as a whole, it is VERY effective in getting men more girls- at least in the short term- PUA will get you a lot more attention and a lot more success with women. However, if you are looking for a long term relationship, PUA has several damaging components that actually inhibit you from forming meaningful relationships and developing trust.
If you are already a “redpiller”- check out the popular red pill subreddit to learn more about what this means- then I doubt I am going to convince you of anything, but for those of you new to PUA and sitting on the fence about how you should feel, I hope to at least offer another point of view to consider.
The dangers of PUA/ “Redpill” thinking
In the PUA world, men are often highly resentful and critical of women. Women are often considered nothing but value seeking bottom feeders who will only love a man if she perceives him as “alpha”, strong, and unavailable. Many of the men who flock to PUA have been deeply hurt by a woman, or by women they cared about and they end up forming an almost seething hatred for women.
Another problem of PUA, is that instructors regularly talk about how women are frivolous cheaters, they basically tell you that any girl will cheat, and that most of the women in relationships that are out at the bar are just waiting for a better guy to come along and sweep them away. A lot of them talk about how easy it is to take away a girl with a boyfriend or husband at home and brag about it.
The last major problem, is that PUA teaches men to live in “abundance” and while I do believe this is great in early dating, at some point most men- and most people in general- want to have a long lasting and meaningful relationship with someone.
Myth number1…Women only want strength and “alpha”, they want to chase, but not catch you.
In the PUA world, showing any signs of attachment, availability, emotion, or love is generally frowned upon. It is believed that women are only seeking the biggest man, the strongest man, and that showing any of the above qualities shows weakness and will cause women to leave you or cheat on you.
I would argue that vulnerability, honesty, and loving someone unconditionally are much “stronger qualities that a person can develop, while stoicism, constant woman juggling, and closing off your hear from others is actually a sign of fear.
Perhaps some women are so superficial that they only like a man for his appearance, value, or success, but most women would prefer a man who is real enough to show a little emotion every now and then.
Most of the women I have ever talked to aren’t complaining that their guys aren’t macho enough, that they show too much weakness by talking about emotions, or that they love them too much…Most of the women I know are hurt and saddened because their men don’t talk to them, don’t give them enough love, and are too afraid to open up to them fully in a relationship.
Think about it..what is real strength, building a wall around your heart and refusing to let anyone in out of fear, or opening yourself to loving someone fully and knowing that even if you get hurt, you are man enough to survive and continue on?
Myth number 2. Women don’t love men, and they will cheat as soon as they know they have you.
Going along with the idea that women only seek value, many PUA teachers believe that women only love the idea of a man, and never actually fall for and love the man himself. Far from the truth, I would argue that women are much more naturally suited to open their hearts, love someone unconditionally, and stick with someone they love through thick and thin. Of course, there are exceptions… there are always gold diggers, superficial women, hoes, and liars, but the same is true for men. You have to judge the person as an individual, you can’t just lump all women into one group and assume they are all the same.
Most women cheat because they are seeking genuine connection, they are seeking more love and attention, they are seeking appreciation, and they want to feel alive and beautiful again. If you do your job as a man (love your woman, respect her, give her love, make her feel special and beautiful, and encourage her to be her very best), if she is a good woman, she will stick by you through anything, even a car crash that leaves your body disfigured with burns won’t drive a good woman away to cheat, but neglect can push even the most dedicated woman away.
Myth number 3. Men should always live in abundance and never settle down with one girl
So this is a sort of myth, because for some guys this may be true. Some guys may generally be happier just playing the field and never settling down, but that doesn’t really mean thats the way it should be, it just means where they are in life they are better alone.
If you aren’t ready, or if you haven’t found a person you truly want to spend your life with, then I think it is a lot better to move forward and actively try to seek out and find a great girl for you to spend your life with.
In a really great relationship though, it doesn’t hold you back at all, in fact it encourages you to be better each day, to grow as a person, and to improve your life and provide for the other person to the best of your ability.
First, a great relationship is not a hinderance, it will actually challenge you to grow, and it will push you to grow and develop in new ways that you could never imagine. Really loving someone is not some dull, boring, and stale thing, it is a rollercoaster that pulls you in new directions every single day.
If you are constantly living in “abundance” and you have girls coming around like a revolving door, you will never be able to form real connections with women. It is great to meet new people, date around, and figure out what you want in a girl, but don’t be too afraid to stop “spinning plates” if you truly find a great one.
While for some people having fleeting relationships for a few weeks or months may be good enough to do for life, but most of us want more in our love lives.
The essence of PUA is to block connections with women and create a lifestyle of freedom where all satisfaction is created internally.
While PUA may work for some, and while it will certainly get you more girls, you need to ask yourself “At what point am I willing to or do I even want to let someone into my life?”
I was so into PUA that I almost passed up on my current girlfriend. I freaked out so bad when I started falling for her, because I thought as soon as I expressed how I felt about her or showed any weakness she would lose interest in me and leave me. I thought I would be less of a man if I asked her to enter a committed relationship, and that I should feign indifference, and I almost just ran away from the whole situation because it was so overwhelming…
that would have been a huge mistake. She has great values, she is giving, loving, supportive, wise, and often knows what is better for me than even I do. I wouldn’t be half the man I am today without her, not only has she stood by me even in times where I showed emotions or weakness, but she often helped me stand back up and encouraged me to grow and become stronger as a person.
Not only has being vulnerable with her not pushed her away from me, but it has at times given me chances to learn deep insights about myself that have allowed me to become a better man and a stronger man.
Maybe I have a special case, or maybe it isn’t meant for everyone, but love doesn’t have to be some terrible and life robbing experience. For me, it has been the greatest time of my life, and I am so glad that I was able to let go of some the beliefs I formed in PUA that prevented me from forming meaningful relationships before I missed out on the best girl in the world for me.
It’s ok to play the game, just don’t assume you know how everyone on the other team is playing it as well. Each woman is different, so try not to generalize so much, and try to start looking at women as people… not objects…. or evil harlots…or rules and simple truths.
Pick-up is not all bad, and as I said, it help me figure out parts of myself and increase my own confidence. Pick-up is great to learn some of the rules of dating, but try to think of it as one strategy out of a multitude of strategies, rather than a complete way of life.
You’ll be a lot happier with a great woman in your life, trust me, you just have to be brave enough to let her in when you find her.
What do you think? How has “the game” affected your life or relationships? Did I hit the nail on the head or do you think I am way off course? Chime in with a comment below or let us know on Facebook what you think!